I have been struggling with prayer ever since my first miscarriage. I remember my doctor sending me to the emergency room saying I needed to be admitted. I began praying, being positive that the Lord was going to make things right, that everything was going to be ok with the baby. I remember thinking that the Lord was just putting bumps on the road so that when the baby was born we could just boast on how the Lord answered our prayers. After spending the night in the hospital I was let go without answers. The doctor didn’t know what was wrong, she didn’t know if the baby was alive or not and we would just have to wait and see. I would have to come back in exactly a week and the blood results would be able to tell what was happening. Exactly a week from that day would be my 23rd birthday. I thought “great” I’ll either have the best birthday present or the crapiest birthday ever. So we were in the dark for 5 days and I prayed fervently for those 5 days. I held on to the verse John 15:7 “If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you“.
I found out I had a miscarriage 3 days before my birthday. I was a wreck. I felt completely heartbroken and let down from the Lord. I was just completely positive that He would have answered my prayers! I felt so unloved, so disappointed, so far away from the Lord, I know now that the Lord was in fact holding me in His arms and carrying me through though at the moment I felt abandoned with an empty womb.
I didn’t pray for a couple of months. I actually walked around with my head held high and a fake smile on my face showing the world that I was “ok,” avoiding the conversations and the feelings of being felt sorry for. I was hurting inside. I felt alone. I questioned God’s love for me. I didn’t doubt that there was a God, I didn’t doubt Jesus died for me, I didn’t doubt God answered prayers, just not my prayers.
Then my second miscarriage came along.
I thought, “What is the Lord doing? What am I doing wrong?” The second time was a let down but through His grace easier to get through. We had learned from experience to not tell anyone, the less people you tell the less people to break the news to. I know at that time the Lord was doing something in my heart. I surprised myself and I know it wasn’t from my own strength but I was still able to rejoice with a close friend through her pregnancy. I knew that one day in His time I would be a mom, whether it was years, whether it was more miscarriages I still know the Lord will give us a healthy pregnancy some day.
The biggest blessing and comfort came from those who had been through the same situation and I knew the Lord was going to use me in the same way. Someday I would be able to say to someone “I know what you’re going through” an actually mean it.
After that I just felt the Lord’s grace, I felt Him healing me, mending my broken heart. Some day I will hold a baby in my arms, have spit up on me, go through sleepless nights and declare Gods answered prayer.
Not only has it brought me closer to the Lord it has brought my relationship with Fred so much deeper and sweeter. This has definitely been our first trial we have walked together as husband and wife. From the night we found out I was pregnant to the day I miscarried, Fred would kiss my belly good night every night. He’s going to be a great daddy someday. Through the chaos Fred was able to serve me in ways I have never been served before. His unconditional love was a reflection of Christ’s love for me. We have this undeniable bond; we’ll meet our babies in heaven someday.
Well, all that to say that I am still struggling with prayer. I do pray! But, my prayers have changed. Sometimes I pray doubtingly. I am scared of being let down. I struggle with the Lord’s sovereignty of just not knowing how much my prayers will affect anything. I started reading “A Praying Life” by Paul E. Miller and I can see God at work in my heart. I am challenged everyday by prayer. I see glimpses of his grace through my weakened prayers and I am beginning to feel a peace about everything. I am also starting to see my desires change unexpectedly, and by His grace I am able to follow Him where He leads me, even if that means putting baby plans on hold. We shall see what the Lord wants, but I know it is all for a purpose and for His glory and I am happy with that.
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