Thursday, April 12, 2012

The Lords Timing

That’s all it took and it was perfect.

And my timing is sooo not perfect because I should have shared this months ago! I actually did write most of this a couple of months ago but never got around to posting. So here I am with my answered prayer obviously bursting out of my shirt and oh so joyous!

This is how my pregnancy journey began:

Fred and I decided to start trying to have a baby. So obviously I expected to be pregnant the next month. That’s how it happens right? No condoms, lots of fun nights… Bam! You get pregnant. Nope, that’s not what happened. What happened was me stressed about ovulation dates, positions, legs raised in the air to increase your chances. I was a mess! So I didn’t get pregnant the first month we tried and I was so disappointed. I thought, “what did I do wrong? I did everything in the book!”

When my unwanted period came so did unwanted pride. I felt like I put a wall up towards God, I felt like a little spoiled kid when they ask for a toy and they don’t get it. I really thought, fine, you don’t want me to have a baby forget it then I just won’t want a baby. I really tried lying to myself about my desires to be a mom, I told myself, “you don’t want baby, just forget about it.” But I knew it was my pride and deep inside I didn’t want to hurt. I felt that if I didn’t ask God for my desires I wouldn’t have to be disappointed when he didn’t answer.

Then another month came, then another… The Lord was doing such a work in my heart. He had revealed my sinful pride towards Him. He was helping me to rely on Him. I knew someday He would provide us with a baby and I kept trying to take it upon myself to make it happen. Why am I not getting pregnant when I am doing everything I’m supposed to? The answer was obvious, I cant, He can. The Lord is the giver of life, the Creator, all sovereign, all powerful, He can do ALL things. How easy it would have been for my sinful self to boast in all the right things I did to become pregnant. The Lord wanted to have all the glory. He wanted me to trust and surrender my pride.

We began asking others for prayer.

Prayer is something I had always struggled with. I knew that the Lord knew I wanted a baby; I wasn’t going to waste my time getting others involved and have them feel sorry for me. The Lord would do it in his time anyway. I thought asking for prayer would show my weakness, it would reveal that I don’t have it all together, that I want things I don’t have, that I need help. And that’s exactly where the Lord wanted me, humbled; coming to my brothers and sisters in tears, sharing my fears and desires. The minute we began asking others to pray for a baby for us I felt this great immense love from others. Knowing that others were praying for us was the most comforting feeling. I didn’t feel alone with my burden. When the Lord decided to answer OUR prayers, WE would rejoice.

As I prayed and drew closer to the Lord I felt him asking me, “Am I enough? If I don’t give you a baby next month, next year, ever, Am I enough?” Yes Lord. In the mist of all the baby making drama tears I didn’t realize I already had more than I deserve. I had my heavenly Father who died for me and rose again. I had the most precious gift of all, salvation. Nothing else will fill that whole in my heart, not my husband, not a baby, not anything in this world. I am already complete. This is what the Lord wanted me to realize.

I became pregnant a few months later sometime in November 2011. When I was heart broken because I felt like the Lord was saying “no” to my prayer, I didn’t realize he was really saying “not yet, let me draw you near and show you how much you need me first.”

And here I am! 23 weeks prego! Feeling my little one kick, starting a nursery, looking up car seats! Oh so thankful for the Lords faithfulness, not only for this baby but for everything he has done and is doing in my heart!
Well I'm 18 here! We have to catch up and take a pic this weekend!

1 comment:

  1. Nancy,
    It is a blessing to see what the Lord is doing in your life and in your heart. While reading your blog I thought about how much we as people can act like spoiled children asking the Lord for things that we want, and when we don't get them we are upset and act as if we are entitled to those things! At this current point in my life my desires have not been as precious as yours, so I can only imagine the heart ache and disappointment that you felt towards God. It is through the storms that we face, that the Lord is able to mold and shape us into the women that he wants us to be. At times it hurts and is uncomfortable and we even ask the Lord why? Why me? God has a plan! Although I have not experienced the same disappointment as you, I have experienced disappointment. Through my experiences of disappointment God also revealed to me that HE is the only one that can and will EVER fulfill me! It is an amazing feeling when you surrender and give the Lord complete control!
    Last Sunday my boyfriend and I were having a conversation with a homeless man about the Lord. The conversation sparked because the man asked us for money so that he would be able to pay for transportation to go see his daughter for her very first Easter. The man was crying and his plea for help seemed very heartfelt and genuine. Besides trying to help the man with transportation, we had the privilege of praying for him and discussing the GREATNESS of the Lord. One distinct thing that I remember the man saying about the Lord was that he felt the Lord on the inside, but did not see him or feel him on the outside. My boyfriend responded with some very profound words that I continue to hear in my head. He said, “God works from the inside out”. Those words went straight to my heart!
    I tell you that story because it is evident that the Lord has worked on you from the inside out! We serve an amazing God who can do all things! It has been through your diligent prayer walk that God has worked through you! Your blog has reminded me that the burdens I carry which are heavy for me are light for the Lord. My desire is to serve and love the Lord with all of my heart and sometimes I can let the worries of the world get in the way. Lately I have been feeling like the Lord is far away and no matter how I try; I can’t get closer to him. Through reading your blog the Lord revealed to me that He is present and is my only shelter from the storm. He is GREATER than my pain and it’s like that song by Mercy Me says, “Bring me anything that brings you Glory Lord”! I must pray when I get weary and ask for the Lord to continue his great work even if it’s painful at times!
    Thank you Nancy for sharing your experience and allowing the Lord to work through you! Your story has touched my heart and reminded me that the Lord ALWAYS KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING! Congratulations on your little blessing and I will be praying that the Lord continue to have his hand upon you through the rest of your pregnancy.

    12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
    –James 1:12